No more Fucks to give
So where do I start
It has certainly been one hell of a year, and nearly 12 months since my last blog post, and that was all about releasing in 2018 however at the time I was unaware I had a lot more releasing to do.
A quick run down on my year so far
After being made redundant from my job last December I was not sure on what to do.
I desperately wanted to spend all of my time making my Niki Wyld business prosperous. I had received enough money from the redundancy to not have to work for 3 months and I really wanted to make it work.
However fear crept in, self doubt rose up and I didn’t think I could do it so I started to apply for jobs straight away.
After sending out my resumes I got a call for an interview and got the job.
In an industry I’d left many years ago. I had to update my qualifications since I’d left the industry some time ago and regulations have changed, so that is taking time and money, but hey, it has to be done right. I mean I am not complaining, thank the gods I had the redundancy money to pay for it.
At the moment it is time now is what I feel I am short of.
I tried to do both, my new job, updating qualifications and Niki Wyld workshops, creating of the diary etc however I did not have the energy to do it and one of them had to give.
As I need a regular income, it was Niki Wyld that suffered and I let it go, just focusing on painting when I could, but not even having the energy or will to put them up for sale.
I’ve also had a friendship go through a very rocky time, and the depth of the reason I am not sure as to why as communication is now non-existent. I know that the only thing that I regret was taking in and trusting their words when their actions were and still are totally different. After a lengthy discussion and way too much whisky I thought this had resolved itself, but I fear the words were again inauthentic. You know that old saying, ‘actions speak louder than words’.
Then in July a co worker had a heart attack in the office. Literally right in front of me and another colleague. It was horrific, she was dying in front of us. My colleague performed CPR and I watched as I could see her slipping away. Thankfully she was bought back by the paramedics who attended (fuck it feels like forever when your on the phone to 000 waiting for them to arrive). She is on the path to recovery but it really scared the living shit out of me. Literally the most horrific thing I have ever seen and I will never get that out of my mind. She was only 10 years my senior, had annual check ups at the doctor and was all around a healthy woman.
At that point, by mid year I had seriously began to think about my life and where I was at because, as I mentioned with what happened with my co-worker, you never know what is going to happen and I was thinking along the lines of living life to the fullest, not letting a moment go, not waiting for anything and most of all giving no fucks. (you've read that book right? The life-changing magick of not giving a fuck...)
I thought I had decided that I was no longer waiting for anything and also no longer giving fucks on what people think and was going to spend more time on creating Niki Wyld and share my life within these pages and on social media (I’m not great with social media)….. however another fear crept in.
You see I love when you all read my posts and blogs however I know that there are some out there that just read my posts and blogs to know what I am doing, what I am up to, wanting to know what I do in my personal life not actually interested in what I am offering. It’s a little unsettling, well annoying really but hey… I know who you are, and you know who you are!! Seriously, perhaps some self-reflection within your own life is needed.
For the longest time it made me feel uncomfortable and made me feel that I couldn’t share my authentic self within the pages.
But recently I’ve been watching YouTube videos, reading articles etc on how to build and promote a business (creating a following, selling my art etc in this social media age (lol, I sound old saying that) and they all say I have to share. Share my life, share my journey and share my authenticity online. This is literally the worst thing I could think of doing. You may not realise but I am quite a private person keeping a lot to myself. An issue with vulnerability that I am working on.
Anyway, after a few days off work and today chatting with a friend at lunch (and a million discussions with my bestie and her always encouraging me to basically ‘get over myself’) I’ve decided fuck it.
I no longer want to give any fucks.
If I want to manifest the life I want, I can no longer give any fucks
I need to be comfortable in sharing my true authentic self with you all to encourage you to do the same.
So here I will begin.
Shifting my energy and time towards areas within my life that I am passionate about.
So I aim to write blog posts for you and sharing more of my magickal life online.
Sharing my life and learning through working on being more self-sufficient, gardening, art, magick etc. More posts encouraging you to work more of these into your life and also sharing my inner most thoughts and feelings within them.
And, on a side note…. I recently got glasses and I keep repeating within my mind, in the tune of the song, ‘I can see clearly now with glasses on’. Perhaps a little magick unconsciously weaved to help me wake up and release my fears and fucks.